I Hated God Until His Presence Entered My Soul

I hated others and had no relationship with God

In my younger years, there was much instability in my home, and I often felt anxious and on guard. Instead of calm discussions, arguing and outbursts were more the norm. My parents, aunts, and grandmother often fought and talked over one another, and my grandmother would go on tangents for hours and not let anyone else speak.

At seven years old, I saw my grandmother get assaulted after having an argument outside her apartment which terrified me. I watched other family members get into physical altercations throughout the years. To disconnect from my family and chaotic home life, I escaped to the haven of my creativity and being physically active to feel safe and secure.

I was close to my older brother, whom I could talk to about anything. He was always very loving and protective of me. However, my relationship with him changed after my family moved to another town when I was eleven. He fell in with the wrong crowd and began smoking marijuana. When I was a freshman in high school, my brother was hospitalized and diagnosed with schizophrenia. Although my brother was sick, he remained loving. Still, due to the fragility and unpredictability of his illness, I had lost the close relationship I once had with him. I became lonely and sad but never spoke to anyone about my feelings because my parents didn’t want anyone to know about his mental illness as they saw it as a stigma. I learned to disconnect from my emotions and pretend to be happy, doing well in school and excelling in sports, but deep down inside, I was miserable and felt insignificant. I became ashamed of my brother’s illness and kept it hidden for years, not telling anyone.

Although my brother struggled with mental illness, I watched him become born again and have tremendous love for the Lord. He became a teacher and was always helping someone, and he was passionate about serving with an open heart. When I was twenty-five, my brother was tragically killed when someone tried to steal his car; my life was never the same. With a wounded heart, I didn’t know how to deal with my grief, first for losing my brother to mental illness and then having him taken away from me forever. I felt like I had lost a piece of me, and my heart had died. I had gone into shock and felt this big empty void of being left with an unstable family I didn’t know how to love. Soon after my brother’s death, I attended a support group with my parents for families of crime victims. However, I didn’t feel any relief but felt worse, angry like I was the victim and full of anxiety, so I stopped going.

I didn’t feel God or seek professional help. Instead, I hid my grief in alcohol and looked to my friends to fill up my empty void and pain. I continued to push down my feelings and not deal with them, thinking everything would get better over time. A few years later, I got married to the wrong person for the wrong reasons, not wanting to be alone. I had trouble receiving love because I associated it with pain and loss. My heart grew harder and harder during my marriage, and I decompensated. I frequently yelled, complained, and criticized my family, often feeling like a victim. I couldn’t mother properly or love my husband because of all the hatred and bitterness that had built up in my soul. I developed a wall around my heart.

I drank alcohol during my marriage, mostly at social gatherings. However, when I reached my mid-forties, I began to drink daily after my husband and some friends began making wine as a hobby. What started with a drink with dinner later became a daily habit to cope with life. The few glasses I drank fueled my anger and hatred inside. I lashed out at others and became vindictive in my actions.

I finally sought professional help and attended traditional counseling. In addition to counseling, I started on an antidepressant. After a few years, I felt completely numb. I later tried to commit suicide and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Eventually, I was successfully weaned from my antidepressant and started experimenting with New Age teachings, trying to find myself and the meaning of true happiness.

I had taken a picture of Linda Darin’s information from a magazine on my phone a few years earlier, but I had forgotten about it. So, after searching for holistic therapy services, I discovered Linda again on Google and booked an appointment with her in her Westchester office.

As I began to work with Linda through her holistic therapy services, she opened the door for me to learn about God. She invited me to prayer groups and bible study and introduced me to Christian faith healing. I began to learn about God differently. Although I was born Catholic, I did not have a relationship with God.

I began The Darin Method® uncovering patterns and belief systems that held me in bondage and captivity. Some patterns plaguing me were acting like a victim, manipulating others to feel sorry for me, and lying, hiding, and pretending. Due to frequent shaming and criticism as a child, I often felt victimized and didn’t feel safe enough to express my truth. I continued to have trouble changing my mindset even though I wanted to. The soul work is transformational with all the soul healing techniques.

I worked with Linda in her Westchester office and in distance healing sessions.

This past year I had the opportunity for Christian faith healing and joined the Experiencing God gathering every Saturday morning. Although I had been learning about God, I didn’t feel His presence and wanted to know how to have a personal relationship with Him. I had no idea what to expect when I joined or how long this gathering would last. To participate in the zoom group, I showed up with my camera and microphone on as this was an interactive group with people sharing personal stories. Seeing and hearing everyone was essential for me to connect emotionally. I felt God’s presence.

I learned to know God this year as my Shepard and Teacher. He has steered me where I needed to go because I often went in the wrong direction. I had never had a personal relationship with Him.

Throughout the year, the gathering focused on the seven realities of Experiencing God to show us how God worked in and through our lives. These include God being at work around you, wanting to involve you in His activity, God pursuing a love relationship with you, and inviting you to become involved in His creation. As He relates to you, He reveals His purposes and ways. If I wanted to experience God’s power at work in and through me, I realized I must walk by faith, trust, and make necessary adjustments, obeying whatever He tells me to do. I have come to experience Him as I follow Him. This mindset is all new to me.

I heard God through others in the group. My love relationship with Him wasn’t where it needed to be, so it was difficult for me to listen to Him daily and follow what He wanted me to do. My character needed to go through a refining process. I was more self-centered than God-centered, relying more on my own strengths and will rather than trusting, having faith, and letting God lead me one step at a time. I had difficulty surrendering to Him because I like to be in control and follow what I need and desire.

I needed to let go of my selfish ways and make time for Him instead of being too busy and not making Him my priority. So I adjusted my schedule and got up earlier before work so I could spend time in prayer, worship, and reading the Bible. I tried to listen and hear Him daily.

To change from selfish behavior, I began to do daily confession and repentance, asking God for forgiveness. I had a difficult time with this task. My darkness, including my alcohol addiction and vindictive behavior, was being exposed, but I had difficulty looking at and accepting the truth of my correction because it felt shaming. I often minimized and justified my behavior by wanting to look good rather than admitting and accepting it. I got angry and defensive when others confronted me with the truth. My pride and shame got in the way. Once I allowed the light to shine in and on my darkness, healing took place. Not dealing with the grief from my brother’s mental illness and his death 30 years ago brought in a portal of darkness that was decimating my spiritual life.

As I worked with Linda in our sessions online for spiritual healing from trauma, she helped me understand that I never actually grieved my brother’s death. My work with her was the first time I talked about his death, the devastation of a psychiatric hospital, and my family history of mental illness. I was working out revenge, feeling resentment, betrayal, and rejection, and I chose to keep that dark piece of myself alive. I was jealous as I watched everyone in the Experience God gathering grow and change, but I stayed stuck. I could see my energy aging me. I am stuck in being a victim, and I had no idea until this gathering how much I hated God, myself, and others for my brother’s death and my DNA lineage of mental illness. I have been in bondage and captivity, giving permission and persistence to it all. My life was full of hate after my brother died. My life was on hold for thirty years until I met Linda Darin.

I felt lost, manipulative, and couldn’t trust or have complete faith. I had insomnia and heaviness in my gut and soul, which gave me anxiety. Even though I went to church, tithed, read the Bible, was baptized, and attended prayer groups, I was still demonic, hating others, holding onto a grudge of unforgiveness, and unable to have a relationship with God.

Linda assisted in deliverance sessions freeing me from bondage and captivity as I chose new behavior patterns and beliefs.

I continued to show up weekly because I had hope. I saw God working every Saturday morning, and His presence changed everyone. Knowing I can shed tears now, I’m starting to show remorse and grief for how I had treated others where before I couldn’t because my heart was so hard. God wants me to depend on Him, but I was rebelling against Him and Linda. I wasn’t dealing with my hate. God was breaking me down so I could feel humility, be honest, face and accept the truth, and keep seeking and trusting that His power and the weapon of forgiveness could help change my mindset and turn me in a new direction.

I can see more clearly how God has been with me and brought people into my life, taking me under their wing and making me feel like somebody, especially during my childhood and adolescence. I can see God has a plan for me. He has been opening doors for me when I least expected and closing them when I needed them. God led me to Linda, and she guided my son to Georgia for rehab for his drug addiction. She helped bring my daughter to God and assisted me out of an abusive marriage, and God provided me with a new job during Covid. I know God is not looking for perfect people but seeking broken people, including me, to draw closer to Him. I can see how God used my brother despite his illness in the short time he lived here on earth.

I’m grateful God led me to Linda, an energy medicine healer, and the Experiencing God Gathering. I am presently in an opportunity to grow, change, heal, and move out of all the agreements to the bondage and captivity I am stuck in. I’m willing to choose to let go and surrender and not hide anymore. I’m finding time for God and continue to adjust my schedule to get up earlier to worship, pray for people, and be sorrowful for my hatred. I’m using tools such as gratitude, volunteering, reading scripture, and positive affirmations to help me change my ways and thinking.

I’m much different now than I was a year ago when I first began the Experiencing God workshop. I highly recommend this gathering for anyone that wants to experience God, be in His presence, and learn how to have a personal relationship with Him. I am excited to continue this group and meet others on October 22nd, 2022.

Thank you, Linda Darin!