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Finding God in My Grief

My grief was overwhelming. My mom lost her fight with breast cancer five months earlier and I was holding myself together by sheer will. I’d begun a new job only a few weeks before her death and was focused on everyone and everything but me. I was striving to perform at work as a designer, while being the perfect daughter for my father, taking time off to help him settle as much of my mom’s affairs as possible. What I forgot to do in the midst of all my caretaking was to process my emotions and truly grieve my loss. I ignored my pain until it wouldn’t stay hidden any longer, falling into a depressive state. My physician prescribed medication, but this was a temporary solution. I knew I needed help!

 

One simple question from my former youth pastor, who performed my mother’s services, began my healing journey: “How is your walk with God?” I was ashamed to admit it, but responded honestly, “There isn’t one.” Our conversation stayed with me. I realized I wasn’t going to truly heal my heart and mind without God. A Google search for spiritual based healing led me to Linda Darin’s website and we scheduled a session for the next week.

 

At first, I just cried and wailed and mourned in every session for weeks. Linda met me exactly where I was with compassion and love. Our sessions were the one place I allowed my grief to come out, where I felt safe expressing the depth of my emotions – behind closed doors! I learned in The Darin Method® how my pattern of disconnecting my emotions led me out of reality. I was taught that dark emotions were not to be discussed and were unacceptable.

 

I’d been conditioned in my childhood to hide all the sadness, all the darkness, all the dirt, believing this was the only way I could be accepted and loved by others. I hid my true emotions behind a mask of perfectionism, career, no one would discover the true depth of my sadness. Linda helped me create a new belief that all my emotions are allowed and I could be authentic. She facilitated me to write my emotions every day, naming all the feelings both light and dark and expressing them to her.

 

Letting my emotions flow through my pen onto the page was the first step of taking my power. They did not remain stagnant in my soul, festering until they exploded in tears, rage, and anger. It wasn’t easy at first, but I had to begin to be accountable and actually use the tools we discussed in our sessions. I couldn’t depend on Linda to carry all my grief. The weekly energy healings, chakra balancing, and spiritual guidance assisted me to feel whole again. Although I used many of the holistic tools, my focus began to depend more on God.

 

I studied the heart chakra, and Linda gave me information on breathing exercises, sounding healings, affirmations, yoga poses, sacred essential oils, and color therapies that align with healing my heart. My mom’s death had been a shock to me. Even though she was diagnosed with breast cancer three years prior, she could not share the truth of it with me. New details were revealed as I spoke about her death with my family. Stage 4. Metastatic. It was terminal. Her life would end sooner rather than later, and I had no idea. I only heard good news, “I don’t need radiation. My cancer cells are down.” The post chemo medication would only extend her life 9-12 months. There was a countdown to her death, and I had no idea. My parents believed they were helping me by shielding me from the pain of the truth. This was the root pattern of ignoring dark feelings instead of processing them in my life.

 

Each weekly session ended with a sound healing, clearing all the chakras in my body, creating space for me to feel, breathe, and move forward with my life. I forgave my mom for abandoning me in this world. She had finished her journey, and I needed to carry on in mind. I found God in the middle of my grief!

 

Linda, my spiritual guide and mentor, saw my strength and independence along with my pain and brokenness. There was so much more to uncover and heal before I could become whole again. Disassociating from my emotions and reality, perfectionism, workaholism, addictions, toxic relationships were all unfolding but God was present. I’m here to expose it all on my journey, with Linda guiding me back to myself, and back to God’s arms. It took the shock of losing my mother to open my eyes to the truth of my life and decide to change. Thank you God!

 

But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord. – Jeremiah 30:17